NFL Week 4 Power Rankings
Happy Sunday, and welcome to my first ever NFL power ranking by tiers. Chances are, we’ll disagree on a take or two within the next 1000 words but hey — it’s my article, not yours.
Two quick notes: the teams within each tier are listed in no particular order, however the tiers themselves are organized in descending order (from turds to diamonds). So sit back, crack a beer (Jets fans, pour something stronger), and enjoy.
Wishing the season was canceled — better yet, that it never started
NY Jets — I believe Jake Tapper found the perfect words to describe the Jets this year, “A hot mess inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck.” He used the phrase for politics and I’m repurposing it now to give credit where credit is due to the ever-awful Jets. FIRE ADAM GASE.
The Clapper, a RiverBoat, and a Choke Artist
NY Giants — Daniel Jones still looks to have some promise but Daniel, I think I speak for all Giants fans when I say: please, for the love of God, HOLD ON TO THE DAMN BALL.
Washington FT — Kyle Allen has now taken the reins of the league’s least exciting offense (except Terry, we love you, Terry). This week, I fully expect the Rams to remind us all why Kyle Allen is not a starting quarterback in the NFL.
Atlanta Falcons — Honestly, I am just impressed that the Falcons have lost in the way that they have — it takes some serious dedication to blow that many second-half leads the way that they have. The fact that Dan Quinn still has a job gives me hope that I can actually work for an NFL team one day because damn, the bar is just that low.
Not in the “Tank for Trevor” lottery, but in desperate need of help
Detriot Lions — I’ll say it: Matthew Stafford deserves better. Hopefully, the Matt-Patricia experience is over soon. I think I speak for everyone in Detriot when I say we ALL want off the Patricia Express.
Houston Texans — Bill O’Brien is gone, HE IS GONE. You are safe now Houston. Now, go forth and build around Watson.
Denver Broncos — Injuries are defining their season but there is still some cause for hope. The Broncos might be the only team in this tier that could actually benefit from a bit of Trevor magic, though with Lock looking promising in the few games he has played, only time will tell what the future holds for Denver.
Jacksonville Jaguars — Nothing too sassy to say about this team: a lot of young talent getting after it done every week. The future is bright and mustached down in Jacksonville #MinshewMania
Cincinnati Bengals — Can someone please get Joe Burrow an offensive line? The poor kid is getting killed out there. Additionally, please AJ Green — if you could just go back to even half of your former self, the Bengals (and world) would be better for it.
Miami Dolphins — Young core, loads of talent, and a war chest of draft capital, the Miami Dolphins are setting up to be the Celtics of the NFL. As long as Tua pans out, they’ve got a great outlook for the future. In the meantime, we’ll be here with a bucket of popcorn ready to watch Fitzmagic sling the rock for a few more games.
Over the salary cap in 2021 and nothing but crap in 2020
Minnesota Vikings — A very expensive quarterback and some flashy young offensive talent has done very little to make up for the revolving door that is the Viking’s defensive front seven.
Philadelphia Eagles — I am torn on blaming Carson Wentz, the junior-college caliber wide receivers he is throwing to, or their offensive line for their terrible start to the season. The silver lining, Eagles fans: everyone else in your division is trash as well.
Not quite there yet but signs of some real promise
LA Chargers — Herbert looks very promising and has put out some surprisingly solid performances this season. Unfortunately, they just can’t seem to close teams out. Held back with a slew of injuries this season, things look promising for next year’s Chargers to be serious contenders.
Panthers — Losing CMC has been the biggest storyline for this team. It sent many Carolina fans and fantasy players alike to a dark, dark place. They are quietly 2–2, and with Teddy Bridgewater settling into the offense, the Panthers will look to sneak into a playoff spot.
You need an offense and DEFENSE to be an actual football team
Dallas Cowboys — Does Dallas know that on defense you are supposed to stop the other team from scoring? Send help for Dak, he can’t do everything.
Arizona Cardinals — Kyler Murray and his offense are incredibly fun to watch, but Arizona’s defense is so frighteningly terribly they make you wish that Kyler Murray never left the field. If they can figure it out on defense, they’ll be a scary team moving forward.
Are you good? Are you bad? What is even happening?
Chicago Bears — Watching the Bears this season has been like riding a roller coaster drunk — you pray at every turn, you get sick, you question every decision you’ve ever made, but you eventually make it to the end, kicking and screaming all the way. The Bear’s are 4–1 and I am here for this wild ride.
LV Raiders — Honestly, I can’t tell how good this team will be long-term, but they do have a real shot of making the playoffs.
NO Saints — Without Michael Thomas, this team looks completely different on offense. They have a relatively easy schedule going forward for the next few games, which means they have a good chance of righting the ship in time for a playoff berth.
SF 49ers — Surprise surprise, Nick Mullens is not the answer, SF. Bet all you Jimmy Garoppolo haters miss him now, huh? The injury bug has hit the 49ers hard, is taking some big names on defense. Here’s hoping they have the depth to weather the storm.
Indianapolis Colts — I am still a little upset that they lost me a life in my survivor pool week 1 against the Jags, though I have to admit the Colts have looked good in the past few weeks. A big game coming up today vs. the Browns will help set the tone for the rest of the season.
Cleveland Browns — Browns have actually found a coach, and in an unbelievable turn of events OBJ is still an all-pro receiver.
What down is it?
Tompa Bay Buccaneers — In a past life, when Tom Brady had 2 minutes left in a game, it unequivocally meant a win — but not this time. Not this Tom. The Florida sun must be getting to his head because that 4th down throw cost them the game.
F%$K Brian Hoyer
New England Patriots — As a Patriots fan, enough said. Fuck you Hoyer.
In LA we print money and will we ever play again?
LA Rams — Can anyone confirm if a salary cap exists for the Rams? Seriously, how deep are their pockets? The Rams are looking good this year (as you might expect given how much they’ve spent on their team). One tough loss to the Bills but other than that they are looking to be Superbowl contenders once again.
Tennessee Titans — At this rate, the Titans might have to forfeit a few games, but they still look strong in the three games we have seen them play. Something new to Titans fans this year, they actually get to hear these words from a commentator, “The field goal attempt is good!”
Elite QB + D is the perfect path the playoffs
Buffalo Bills — Josh Allen is Buffalo’s messiah, and he is playing lights out this year. My only question mark about this team is how the hell were the Jets were able to cover against them? Still stings a little, for any betters out there.
Pittsburgh Steelers — T.J. Watt is the scariest pass rusher in the league and he makes opposing offensive lines look like the JV team at your local high school.
Baltimore Ravens — Lamar doing Lamar type things but they did have a slip up against the Chiefs. They are built well for the playoffs, with a strong run game that can control the clock and a suffocating defense.
Defense is nice, but have you seen my quarterback play?
Seattle Seahawks — Russell Wilson
Green Bay Packers — Aaron Rodgers is out here taking names. He’s on a glorious revenge tour because he heard the media saying he wasn’t the same QB anymore.
Kansas City Chiefs — Coming off a very unconvincing win against the Patriots, a win is still a win. Mahomes has so many weapons and their new rookie running back looks to be yet another piece that teams will have to factor into their game plans.